The Darkness In My Heart
by Mayhem
Summary: This was inspired by the show that I wrote a while ago when I was feeling a little depressed! Basically its a letter from a soldier to his father about events that have just happened, explaining his emotions and actions affected by these events.


The Darkness In My Heart By Mayhem  
  
Dear Dad  
  
By the time you receive this, you'll have heard everything that's happened. How you choose to deal with it though. I guess you'll be disappointed. I haven't done anything to deliberately disappoint you. I'm just trying to regain my. individuality. a sense that I am unique. special even.  
  
When we first headed off to begin training, I was just as eager as everyone else. Willing to die for a cause that seemed just and right. Willing to sacrifice everything to protect the innocent. It all seemed like we would all end up as heroes. Revered by everyone for our strengths and loved by all for our loyalty and bravery. Jerry, (you remember Jerry?) was his usual self - over-confident, eager to please, and adrenalin-pumped to the maximum. During our training, I could see him becoming a high-ranking officer, commanding his own squads, over-seeing the destruction of our enemy. invincible.  
  
It's funny how war changes all that.  
  
By the time you receive this, Dad, you'll have heard about what happened with Jerry. Yes. he committed suicide only 4 days ago. Everybody was shocked beyond disbelief. I mean this was Jerry for crying out loud! A guy who didn't have a care in the world, someone who was bright and funny and was going places. Someone whom everyone looked up to and adored. Someone that was a role model. But how could he do this? How could he just take his own life like it meant nothing to him? Why did he just throw everything he worked hard for away? It doesn't make sense, they all say.  
  
It only took one day for him to be forgotten. Some role model.  
  
When you hear the news. I know you probably won't understand. Hell even this letter may not be enough to provide you with the answers. I'm not even sure if I can give you all the answers. But its all true. You won't want to believe it, you'll probably even ask them to check and re-check just to make sure that its correct. But believe it, Dad. I killed a man. I killed an officer. Lieutenant Ivan Scadden, my superior. You're going to be asking why. Why would your only son commit such a heinous act?  
  
I was angry. I know.. its not much of an excuse but the man just had no respect for someone who was a unique individual. Someone who's memory was just scrunched up like a piece of paper and thrown in the trash. How could he do that? How could he treat Jerry's death with such. dishonour? Only a few days before Jerry's death, he turned around and told everyone what a fine young soldier Jerry was, and that one day he would be seen as not just a hero, but a leader. Someone who will pave their path to victory. But the day after Jerry took his life.. Scadden suddenly changed his tune. He told everyone that Jerry's act was 'selfish and inconsiderate', and that 'he was terrified of the situation they were facing and decided to take the easy way out.' Jerry was my best friend. You know that more than anyone else, Dad. Jerry was an incredible person, an extraordinary individual. and to have someone so. so self-righteous decide that Jerry's life meant nothing. it was like he just spat on his grave. I couldn't handle anyone saying that about someone whom I held dearly in my heart.  
  
Killing Lieutenant Scadden was not my intention. Things got out of hand. I began yelling at him for the way he treated Jerry, and he yelled back for being such a coward. A coward? For what? For standing up for someone who couldn't stand up for himself? For believing in my friend's honour and the sacrifices he made before he took his own life? Scadden egged me on, pushed me into fighting him. And. I did what Jerry himself was afraid to do. I gave in. The darkness that had slowly begun taking control of me, that had wrapped it's cold fingers around my heart, finally helped push me to the point of no return. I couldn't understand why Jerry took his own life.. until I took the life of another. And now, sitting here in my cell, my heart and soul ripped from my very essence as a being, I can see what I have become. I can see what we all become. Drones. Lifeless, emotionless drones.  
  
We fight our enemy everyday on the battlefield. It's the same thing all the time. Wake up, kill - destroy - protect the innocent, then go to bed. We seem to be moving without getting anywhere. The squad leaders bark out orders, telling us to "Live forever!", then telling us to sacrifice our lives for those who cannot defend themselves. We're trained to fight as a team, to become a machine that knows no fear, and feels no regrets. We're trained to kill and destroy an enemy who sees us as a threat to their own existence. But, what they (the military) fail to see is the individual. We are, after all, unique souls who feel, breathe and live life in the best way we know how. We're survivors. We're independent thinkers. But we're told that none of it counts when defending the rest of our race. It sounds really selfish, I know that, but I want to be considered as an individual being, not someone who is a number, a rank. Someone who is only allowed to think for themselves when all other standard options become unavailable. Jerry felt exactly the same way. He didn't 'get out of it', he didn't 'run from his obligations'. He did it because he couldn't stand losing something so precious to him, something that's precious to all of us. Individuality.  
  
Lieutenant Johnny Rico visited me in my cell today after the sentence was made. He's your typical hero-type. But he's managed to retain his ability to think for himself. And its not because of his rank either. The squad he belonged to is renowned amongst the rest of us. They're the real role- models out there. At least, that's what I've heard. Rico spoke with me about what had happened, asked me why I did what I did. He seemed really genuine - like he was actually listening to me. And for the first time since Jerry's death, I felt like I had met with a kindred spirit. Someone who understood my plight. My heart seemed to feel lighter and the coldness from that dark stain on my soul seemed to have disappeared. I had finally found myself. I guess it took an extraordinary event, and two extraordinary individuals to realise that I was actually lost. I can see the universe differently now. It no longer seems formidable and frightening. It now seems to fill me with wonder and joy. But I can still feel one claw of darkness wrapped tightly around my heart. I don't know if I can ever be free of it, perhaps I never will, but it's hold over me has been weakened. I feel free.  
  
I love you Dad. You may not understand what has happened, and maybe you never will. But just know this, I am a free man. I am an individual. I am unique. I am special. I love life and I love all those who have graced me with their own uniqueness. With their own light.  
  
I will always love you, please, never forget that. And know that I am happy, here and now.  
  
Deane  
  
  
  
-----  
  
Newsflash  
  
Private Deane William Tristan Howe, accused of the murder of Lieutenant Ivan Scadden, was found dead in his cell today. He was 22. Howe was found with the broken shards of a mirror, his wrists slashed. Ironically, the mirror had been a gift from a fellow soldier who had committed suicide only 4 days ago. Medics rushed the soldier to the local hospital, but the young man was pronounced dead on arrival. Lieutenant Grace Cavell said "It's a sad thing to see when a young soldier decides to take his own life. Its often the case that many of our soldiers here are unable to cope with the pressures of being a grunt, and often the deaths that occur around them can cause many to snap. It's a shame to see someone choose an easy way out of a bad situation rather than face it head on like the rest of us." 


End file.
